Milieu of Me

First thing - the Chapman family.  God love them, God bless them…how awful.  Everyone in Christian bloggyland is talking and praying for them.  It’s awful and I just ask for your prayers.  There are no words.

I’m going to blog my originally intended post.  I’ve been reading a lot this morning about death, cancer, etc and while I am feeling a little shallow for my feelings and my measly goings on, I figure it’ll only add perspective.  So please don’t misunderstand my post for not feeling for the family.  They’re always in my prayers and will continue to be.

So back to my regularly scheduled program.

All two of you are wondering about my post talking about having news on Wednesday, and so I’m going to talk about that.  The boy and I are officially in the market for a house.  We have our pre-approval letter, our very competent knowledgeable real estate agent, and have been out looking at houses.  We put a offer in on one last Sunday, and found out this morning the offer was not accepted.  So while I had hoped to post about us moving, this is not the case.  We really did love the house, but there were four offers, two of which were cash.  I don’t know who has that kind of cash laying around.  We were supposed to know by Wednesday morning at the latest, but just found out this morning.

We are disappointed, however, we trust God.  In buying this house, we were going to have to put a lot more money upfront that originally intended.  We weren’t quite sure whether God was trying to test our faith, or what was going on, so we put the money up and said OK God, do your thing.  I know that we can’t see all that He does, so I am going forward in knowing that His plans are better than mine, and He’s got something better for us.

So we’re excited.  We’re staying in the cities unless something catastrophic happens, and are looking towards a community to settle down in.  And I am serious about that.

I’m down to 37.5 mg of my medication.  I’m in day two of feeling kind of loopy, but I know tomorrow I will wake up feeling less tweaky, and things will be fine.  It’s very weird to be doing this, and sometimes I panic and think I NEED THESE WHAT AM I DOING.  Then I remember that I will feel fine soon, and have one less pill to take, and it’ll just be GREAT.

I’ve lost 10 pounds since April 3rd, when I started taking the PCOS meds.  That’s actually not good, because you’re supposed to try and lose a pound a week.  I can’t say I’m doing ANYTHING but eating a lot of candy, and fried foods. :)  So it’s got to be the medicine. :)  Obviously I have my good days and bad ones with the diet, and am working my way up to 100%.  I think it’ll be easier once I give up the Diet Coke, because then I won’t taste sugar and crave it QUITE like now…at least I will be able to reassign my sweet taste buds.

I also went to have my first round of electrolysis done.  It’s mortifying, and I dislike the cute little blond girls who run the place, but they’re nice to me, and I know by the time it’s all said and done it’ll be worth dealing with them.  It’s weird to be doing that, but it makes me SO excited to feel normal too.  It’s expensive as well.  REALLY expensive.

The wee one is at my parents house.  We took him to Mason City last night.  He was SO excited to see them, and played like a champ with his Aunt Kara and Grandpa.  They had my niece with them, so I got to love her up.  SO did Grant.  He wanted to hold her, and so I let him.  He just loved her up, and gave her kisses, and cooed at her.  He’s just so blinking CUTE.  She thinks he’s funny, so they’re going to have a great old time together me thinks.  My little boy is going to be one awesome big brother.  So we’re going to work on that. :)  (Hehehehe)

We don’t have to pick him up until Sunday at 2:30, so we’re going to hang out and just be all weekend.  The boy took tomorrow off, and we have nothing planned.  I would love to go to a movie, we’ll probably check out some open houses, and just be together.  It should be wonderful.

Today I have had a wonderful mommy day.  I am at Panera, got all my email and blogs read UNINTERRUPTED.  I don’t have to go get the boy until 5, so the possibilities are endless.  I see Super Wal-Mart in my future

As for church it’s really icky for me right now.  I just am so over it, and I know that’s a terrible attitude to have.  I joined a bible study on Tuesday nights this summer at a church we’ve been going to, so that should be fun.  We’re going to a church on Saturday night that I really am interested about.  Otherwise I am just really not having fun with it.  I dread going, I dread meeting new people.  I dread feeling like a newbie.  I’m tired of it, and thought I was done with that because of our last church.  I think honestly I’m still grieving that loss, and I think it’s okay.  The problem is that church doesn’t exist anymore, and I have got to get over it.

God’s teaching me a lot about waiting.  I threw a hissy fit last night because we didn’t know about the house yet, and I just said to my boy, “Seriously?  I am sick of this.  WHAT IS GOD DOING?  I don’t want to do this anymore.  I AM SO TIRED.”

The boy wisely says, “It’s our time baby, don’t worry so much.  He knows.  It’ll be fine.  Don’t worry.”

I just stuck my tongue out at him.  I mean seriously.  THANKS A LOT SMARTIE PANTS.  Sometimes don’t you just want to throw a hissy fit at God?  I do it like everyday.  Sometimes I watch the wee one, and remember I’m acting just the same way to God.  It’s humbling, because some days I don’t like being the mommy of a two year old.  They’re demanding, exhausting, and don’t retain any information.  I totally see the similarities between his and I’s relationship and mine and God’s.

It comes down to this, when I’m ready to give up…that’s when God can step in and do the most.  Until that point….

In the house thing, I prayed for God’s will.  I told him, “You see, I can’t.  I trust you.”  I do.  When I found out this morning it was a no go, I felt peace.  I said, “Okay God.  I trust you.”  And so I wait.

Somedays, I DO NOT WANT TO.  I’m exhausted.  I’m done with waiting.  I’m OVER it.  Instead of being upset about that though, I know today that God can work with that.  He knows.

JAMES 1:3  because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

After I threw my hissy fit, I pouted all night.  I was ANGRY.  Mostly because I feel entitled.  That’s an ugly sentence isn’t it?  But I do.  I think because I’ve given everything I’m supposed to, and more.  Two babies, my dreams, my pride, MY LIFE.  I’ve given up a lot.

Today He whispers, “It’s not enough.”

He doesn’t just want the things I’m willing to give.  He doesn’t just want the things I think I’m supposed to drop off.  He doesn’t just want things.  He wants me.  All of me.  100% of me.  He wants to know that if he asks me to pack up and move to a small African village I will.  He wants to know that I’ll go to the cross for Him, just like He did for me.

It’s no small price to pay.  Christ sweated BLOOD in the garden asking for it to be taken from Him.  He didn’t ask me to join him on a cakewalk.  He didn’t want me to put on a pretty dress, go to church, bake cookies and live that kind of life.  He’s asking for a life of sacrifice.  One where I’ll LAY DOWN MY LIFE…DAILY.  That means giving up.  Leaving this world, to live in His.

It’s hard for me.  My family, my friends think I’m crazy.  My parents talk to me differently, and think of me differently.  They think I’ve lost my mind.  I SEE it.  I’m looking at doing life in a completely different way than I know how to do.  I’m making myself vulnerable again.  I don’t like that.  I don’t want to be.

Last night on the way to Mason City, the wee one was watching Veggie Tales…the snoodle episode.  I LOVE this episode.  It’s about a little snoodle who gets made fun of.  Every snoodle has a little back pack that carried the picture of who they are.  The mean snoodles put ugly pictures of him in it.  Then he meets the Creator of the snoodles, and he says, “This is who you are.”  He takes the ugly, heavy pictures out and puts His picture in.  I cry every time.

I didn’t grow up in the church.  I grew up in the world.  The other pictures are the only ones I have.  When you’ve only trusted the world, and it’s hurt you it’s not an easy process to take that picture.

But I want to.  I want that picture.  I want the life He’s designed for me.  The thing is can I get out of the way so it will happen?

You guys are so in for it now that I can post pics.

Anyhoo - the boy and I watched Evan Almighty last night.  My hubby would add the words FINALLY in there somewhere.

Look - I’m not a big movie person anymore.  I’d much rather watch reality tv, or play online.  I just don’t want to commit.  And honestly - I don’t trust my husband’s taste in film.

But you can’t go wrong with Steve Carrell and his cast of crazy friends.  And I LOVED Bruce Almighty.  LOVED IT.

Anyway - my two cents worth is it’s a GREAT movie.  At the end the boy and I were happy, bouncing around, and he remarked….”That was just a GREAT feel good movie!”

Exactly.  The premise is kind of loosely put together, which I was kind of disappointed at.  However the whole point is driven home.  The part that really got me, was everyone not believing Evan.  It makes you wonder what Noah went through, and there was something really striking about it being played out on screen.

The other cool part was the animals.

The best part was the dancing montage at the end.  It was much better than 40 year old virgins, where I kept glaring at my husband.

Anyway - it’s a great movie and though I’m WAY behind….I thought I would share!

(PS - No one paid or asked me to post this - I’m not that cool. :)  I’m just sharing for the sake of sharing!)

I finally took the time to figure out picture posting. :)  I’m not the brightest, but I can be taught.

I’m posting this for the contest goings on over here for Nestle.  I don’t usually enter these contests, but I just couldn’t resist on this one.  You know the WII and Guitar Hero and all.

I love this picture because I’m totally at kid when at the beach, and with the wee one there with us last time, it just was the epitome, and I think you can totally see that on my face.

Well, this is my blog you know so I can talk about me.

I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER THIS MORNING.  I woke up and didn’t feel like I was in a impenetrable fog.  Then I didn’t feel tweaky….okay back up.  Last week we starting weaning me off my depression meds.  I’ve been on the PCOS meds for a month now, and the powers that be think it’s an okay time to start trying to do this.  I’m on Effexor, and it’s a nasty drug.  I mean when it works, it works and it’s WONDERFUL, but coming off of it is a nightmare.  You have electrical brain tweaks, plus you just go through all the withdrawl of your body weaning off.  So I started by halving it, and I will do that for a week or two depending on how I feel.  Then I half again, and then I go off completely.

It’s not a fun time, but it’s manageable.  My brain feels tweaky, and I’m a little off to say the least…and grumpy, and short fused.  It’s just really hard to feel so out of whack, but I know that it’s just temporary while my body evens out.  Waking up this morning and feeling just fine was comforting because I know it’s possible to feel good without being medicated.

Anyway - since I was sick anyway last week, I figured there was no time like the present to just get all the sick over in one fail swoop.  I’m still pretty stuffed up, but I went to bed last night and SLEPT.  IT WAS AWESOME.

One of my bloggy follwings this morning really hit me hard.  I’m a VERY sensitive person.  Always have been, and always will be.  That’s just the way God made me.  In school it was always something that was a detriment to me.  I was always getting hurt, I was always picking out friends that were sure to hurt me, and I was always WAY impressionable.  As I got older, but not wiser, I started shutting my heart off.  In my marriage, in my friendships…it was just SO much easier.  I didn’t have to deal with rejection, with pain…I just didn’t really feel much either.  It kept me safe from hurt, made it harder to reach me too.

I am soft-hearted, and I realized I have to learn to be tender hearted.  I think this goes to the heart of my struggles as of late.  I didn’t even want to go to church yesterday because last time we were there, they didn’t even really talk to me and I just didn’t want to deal with it.  So I conned the boy into not going, to which he replies that I am just solidifying that that’s where we are supposed to be going….  I am having a really hard time with friendships because I don’t trust people, and I don’t want to invest the time into it.  I feel doomed and destined to be hurt.  I have some Christian friends who’ve I’ve felt hurt and abused by, and I just feel mad about it still.  It’s really juvenile but it’s the truth.

I guess this is all the point of God taking me out of church, and staying close to home and focusing there.  Still I hate layer peeling.  I suppose it will be good in the long term.

Anyway I digress.  I see a lot of people with a genuine spirit filled life, with lots of passion, and I sit here and just feel like I don’t have the downline.  I just sit and wait for a testimony, instead of engaging in actual fellowship in the presence of God and wonder why.  I don’t know God intimately.  I don’t go there, because I’m not willing to unlock my heart quite yet.  In lieu of the last year, I’m still kind of hurt, but starting to understand why those things would happen.  I still look to everything I haven’t done, or done badly, or need to do still and think that’s why…if I would just get my act together….

I don’t understand a God who would love me right where I’m at because no one ever loved me right where I was at.  My husband wonders why I can’t sit still, why I’m just looking towards the next thing…that’s what I’ve been taught to do.

I’m killing myself.  I’m cutting off the bloodflow to my heart, I’m shutting down, I’m expecting the worse…I’m losing hope.  And now I’m learning why.  So this is what I’ll be learning about and walking through the next couple weeks, months, etc.  Should be interesting.

WOW.  That title is loud isn’t it?  Can’t you just hear Robin Williams yelling into the microphone?

Good morning bloggy friends…I hope your weekend was wonderful.

Mine was interesting.  I can’t really talk about it yet, I will be able to by Wednesday at the latest.  It was a lot of crazy, and a lot of fun too.  You know, because that’s how we roll at the hacienda de la Swan.  How’s that for some grammatically incorrect Spanish?

Grant this morning was watching the Wonder Pets, and started crying when a kitty got stuck on a log.  Then he tried to get me to come over to the TV to get the kitty.  It was so cute and sad.  He was DEVASTATED that the poor little kity was stuck.  We got to have a little talk about TV just being a show, and that TV isn’t REAL.  Then I explained that can be proven by the fact that the Wonder Pets will save the kitty and they did.  THEN today on Chinese Dora, they were doing the hula (like in Hawaii) and HE…DID…THE….HULA.

This age just amazes me, because things are just turning on right and left.  I’m excited for SkyAngel to get here so we can cancel cable and watch Jesus TV.

Last night at dinner, the boy and were talking about nothing.

“I didn’t even know about farts before I went to school at Waukee.”

I make a confused face.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, my parents never talked about it.”

“I guess mine never did either…now they do and it’s funny.”

The boy makes a confused face.  I can’t beleive we’re talking about the advent of our knowledge of farts, but I go with it.

“It’s not funny to talk about it….parents aren’t supposed to?”

“Well we’re going to….right?”

“NO!  We can’t teach Grant farts are funny!”

“Why not?”

The boy leans over and farts AT THE DINNER TABLE.  The wee one laughs.

“Because it’s….”

“Okay seriously can I please just point out the irony of you telling me farts aren’t a funny thing, and we can’t teach Grant, and then you fart AT THE DINNER TABLE?  The same table you just thanked Jesus for a few minutes ago?

Clearly we have some duality going on in the Swan household.  I don’t think it’s bad that farts are funny…THEY ARE.  We just have to teach him they aren’t exactly socially acceptable so he doesn’t like fart on his Sunday School teacher or something.

Oh.

My.

WORD.

This week was…trying?  Interesting?  Overwhelming, exhausting….  I don’t know the word for it.  It wasn’t fun.

BUT - none of us have whooping cough.  We have antibiotics that we finish tomorrow just in case.

The boy had a REALLY hard week at work, couple with the fact his wife was sick, and he wanted to just stay home but due to clients, and deadlines had to work 64 hours regardless.  All in the midst of a huge shift in his work life balance prioritizing…making everything extra painful and hard.

I have been SO SUPER SICK.  I seriously don’t remember being lay down on the couch and cannot move sick for four days since I was pregnant last.  I just don’t get sick like that.  I get whiny grumpy sick, but not like this. I can’t shake it.  I just got sick of lying around trying to get comfortable and not being able to, and figured I might as well just keep going.  I still just feel poopy.

The wee one officially got spring fever this week, and unfortunately had to stay inside a lot because I was sick.  The last couple of days though I took him out and about regardless of the crappy I felt.  He’s ALL little boy.  We’ve been taking him to parks, and he and his Daddy have so much fun.  They (yes they both do) go down slides, and run around and yell.  It’s funny - Grant likes to play in the dirt.  His father - nope.  Daddy tells him no, and Grant looks at me like, “Seriously?  Didn’t God make this stuff just for ME?”  I can’t explain to him his father’s crazy anal retentive tendency toward things.  I also can’t explain to Daddy that if I let Grant do things, he can’t tell him no.  It’s getting to be funny…

This weekend we have nothing to do.  It’s joyous.

In ridiculous news…WE NEED TO GO TO REDDING CALIFORNIA.  I thought we could drive and camp.  $800 is what gas would cost.  Remember the days when we were in high school and our parents would say, “I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT GAS HAS RISEN TO $1.19?”

Oh no….I’m old.  SERIOUSLY though.  There is a church there I MUST GO TO.  MUST MUST MUST.  And I can’t get there because it’s not cool to drop $800 just to drive there.  Insane.

Okay - I’m feeling tired so we’ll see if I can lay down and sleep.

HA.

Thank you for fellow bloggers.  Bloggers who grieve the same way you do, who know your pain.  Who get what it’s like to be a mom, but struggle with infertility.  Who are open and honest and ugly, just like me. ;

This poem I found today, and I loved it thought I would share.  This week marks the week I was due with our second little angel baby.  I didn’t even realize it until I was looking at someone else’s blog - who lost their little one same time as me.  It feels sad, but good at the same time.  The moment has passed, and now I go forward…knowing all I have is the promises of God.  That’s MORE than enough.

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes; and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say…A Mother has a baby, this we know is true. But God can you be a Mother, when your baby’s not with you?

Yes you can, he replied with confidence in his voice. I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime; and others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.

I just don’t understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared his throat; and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other kids and say, “We go to Earth to learn our lessons of Love and Life and Fear, My Mommy Loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here.”

“I feel so lucky to have a Mom, who had so much love for me. I learned my lesson very quickly, my mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep, on her pillow’s where I lay.”

“I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek; and whisper in her ear. Mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.” So you see my dear sweet one, your children are okay. Your babies are here in my home; and this is where they’ll stay. They’ll wait for you with me, until your lesson is through. And on the day that you come home; they’ll be at the gates for you.

So, now you see what makes a Mother, it’s the feeling in your heart. It’s the Love you had so much of; right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize, you are a Mother, until their time is done. They’ll be up here with Me one day and know that you are the best one!

By Jennifer Wasik

He cries constantly pretty much.  As soon as I get laid down and settled, something catastrophic happens and I need to get up.  Most of the time he just needs to know that I will get up, and then finds something for me ot help with.

Then he spilt something on the ottoman.  Looks like milk.

Then I thought that he was hungry so I fixed him lunch.  In the meantime he writes on the couch with a rouge pen he found.

He refuses to eat lunch, except for applesauce, and proceeds to scream at me whilst I eat mine…which is now cold.

I decide maybe he just needs a nap.  He fights me to go in, yells, “NO WAY!” at every page of both books I read.  Then I lay him down.

He cuddles in, “Ahhh…”

He looks SUPER cute and sweet.  I pray over him, and start to walk away.  He leans his head back to watch me, and I say my standards, “Mommy loves you, night-night!”

As I’m closing the door, he’s peek at me through the crib rails, and flashes me his biggest cheeseball grin.

Little turkey.  It still amazes me this motherhood thing.  Even with being sick, and him being extra squirrely, all he has to do is smile at me.  The worst part is now he knows it.

Oh well.  He’s the cutest thing ever.

So the boy, the wee one, and I are ALL on antibiotic to prevent the onset of the whooping cough AKA pertussis.

They can’t tell if the boy and I actually have it unless they swab our nasal cavity.  We declined the testing after watching Grant have it done at the pediatricians office.  Plus the results take two days to come back (because they culture the sample pretty much and then see if the bacteria grows)  It’s much more likely that we would have it than Grant, since he’s had his vaccines recently.  We haven’t, as in the vaccines we had when we were little probably WORE OFF.

Does that make ANY sense?  Why do we spend all this time vaccinating our kids if it’s just going to WEAR off, and adults are going to get sick and re-infect the population?

Anyway - I spent the morning, afternoon, and evening at doctors offices and pharmacy.  Not fun when you’re feeling like pooh.  Then when I laid down last night to sleep I just HURT.  I finally got up and stayed up SO blinking late.

Then the boy got up and was like, “WHY ARE YOU UP?”  I explained I couldn’t sleep, and he was like, “YOU ARE GOING TO DIE TOMORROW!!!!”  I asked if he got up to bitch at me or what?  I am exhausted.  I would LOVE to sleep…I would love to FEEL better.  Can you imagine this conversation between a half awake boy, and a sick sleep deprived wifey?

I know he didn’t mean it, my sickness coincides with the BIGGEST week of the year for him…he’s SWAMPED at work and can’t really be home helping his sick wife.  He’s just STRESSED, so much so he had high blood pressure at the walk in clinic yesterday. And I know he knows I didn’t mean it, I was just sick and tired.

Now the wee one and I are laying on the couch  watching the Backyardigans catch butterflies.  I am pretty sure the blood I just coughed up wasn’t good…AND the four hours of sleep I got last night didn’t exactly fufill my bodies needs.

My goals for the day - feed the Feebus…take a nap…get up to pee.  Those are LOFTY LOFTY goals my friends.  The Feebus is mad today too.  He knows something isn’t right with me, and keeps throwing HUGE fits.  I think it freaks him out when I’m not myself, and I feel awful.  However there is nothing I can do.

I’m dying, dying, dying…and I do NOT care.